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Touchy Subject

By Sa Ra

It's hard. It's hard living with a past that pisses you off inside. I never really thought that I would write about this, however, maybe in venting it out and hopefully receiving some positive feedback, all of the anger will be put to rest. Even though it wasn't my fault, it's still embarrassing and somehow just the thought of expressing what it's like to have been molested by your parent as a child, is not only gross but it's somewhat shameful.

Yet still, in my case, the source of my anger isn't with the memories. My problem is forgiving someone who I once forgave (under the circumstance that he wouldn't continue to do it or to do it to my sisters) and then made me look like a liar when the "poop" hit the fan. That in addition to a mother that believes her husband to the point of covering up for him by making claims that I fabricated the ordeal, leaves me feeling angry.

Her reaction had me wishing that I could go back in time and not care of his threats to hurt my mother and sisters if I didn't comply, but I can't.

Overwhelmed with what-if thoughts. What if I screamed? What if I ran to the police? What if I told someone other than my mother? Why did I believe them them when they told me I was better off with them and that foster care or adoption would equal living with a mean family that wouldn't treat me right?

I'm seriously a few steps away from calling up a talk show since I can't afford a lie detector test in order to reveal the results to my mother. But I haven't yet because, then what from her? I highly doubt she'd end her relationship with him. I know it's the past, and I've let this all go even though it took up over 5 years of my childhood. But I just don't understand how she doesn't believe me.

I first told her when I was 7, I specifically asked her not to tell him but she did. It caused a big drama and of course, he denied it. And thanks to her not listening to my plea, in the years to follow that (up until I was 12), many of the instances included a knife or some type of excessive force, meant to scare me from ever talking again.

He was a drunk and a druggie up until I was 12. That's when it all stopped, and I forgave him.

A few years later, when I was about 14, he brought my half-sister over to live with us. By the time I was 16, although she was a wild child, she approached me and complained of him violating her. She didn't know, at the time, that he had taken advantage of me as an adolescent. But I sure did and still do believe her.

I was really afraid at that time that he would eventually prey on my two youngest sisters and so I told my half-sister to go ahead and report it. That was the biggest family drama of all. He was removed from the home, my half-sister went to live with her grandmother and the family completely changed towards me.

My grandmother disowned me, after trying to convince me that this was normal behavior of men who find their daughters extremely beautiful and how it's not a big deal.

She tried assuring me by saying that the same thing happened to her as a child and she even tried making me feel guilty by telling me that as an altar server, I had an obligation to honor my father and mother and that by telling, this would be dishonorable in God's eyes.

She disowned me because I, ultimately, told on her son. It hurt me a lot because I grew up with her in my life and just like that - in an instant - I was no longer the one everyone was proud of and admired. I was no longer eating dinner at Grandma's on the weekends or joining the family for holiday gatherings and celebrations.

But, as far as my mother is concerned, after years of him beating and putting her down not only does she believe him but she continues to have a relationship with this man. How? Why?

How that could be more important than making sure she's still in my life?

I could be cool and comfortable again with all of them, if he'd man up to his mistakes and tell the truth so that way at least my mother could realize what's right.

As for today, I have chosen to stay away from all of them. He calls me a liar. She says its her life, she's an adult and can do what she wants. And I have a toddler that I love, respect and am careful about who I let in his life.

So am I wrong for keeping her out of my life, since she can't keep him out of hers? I don't think so. What I do think is that I am a normal human being with human feelings. And as for my two youngest sisters, they never understood the sacrifices I've endured in their names and have basically put it out there as, "Well, he didn't do that to me" while giving him the benefit of the doubt and shunning me. I'm angry because they don't see that he never got the chance to hurt them, to scar them because at one point, I finally made the right choice and told the authorities when I was questioned.

I just wish I could find a way to let go of the anger that I feel inside which is associated with all of this. I learned the other day that the opposite of anger is compassion. At first I sat around and didn't understand if I had ever felt compassion. Then it hit me, its the way I feel for my son and my dog, for instance. Compassion is the way I can love them so much that I can feel and take on their joy's and pain's. All of which leaves me to wonder how is it that my parents lack the compassion to sit back and think about how their child must feel about all of this, about the memories they left her with, and/or how can they make it better?

To talk show or not to talk show? That's the question.

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Sa Ra,
You think the abuse has stopped - but it hasn't! You are on some sort of guilt trip because the people you trusted were not trustworthy - this trip was bought and paid for by your mother.
If you are angry, funnel the anger into something destructive that harms no-one. Buy a stack of old crockery and just use your anger to smash it all up. You can use the old trick of imagining that each piece you break is one of your betrayers but, believe me, that only works in theory.
For your own sake, you have to do something physical to express not only your anger and the hatred that has been garnered but also to use up the energy that is being dangerously held back.
Do not fall for the latest lunacy of seeking counselling. All a counsellor will do is waste your time by getting you to re-visit the events that have brought you to where you are. Like someone picking a scab, they prevent healing.
It is clear that your father (step father?) was brought up to believe that women were for male disposition and probably is incapable of either giving love or seeing that he has done something wrong.
Your mother is dependent upon this man who, presumably, has provided for her and convinced her that he owns her. Maybe she too was abused but still does not see it as the crime it is?
Both of these people deserve pity.
When I am angry with God about the suffering in the lives of my parents, I go out into the woods and shout my anger at Him. It is very therapeutic.
Let your anger go - let these abusive family members go. Put your arms around yourself, pat yourself on the back and say "There. There."
Then get on with your life.

Thanks for your view on things. I never went into the counseling thing although I have thought about it. I do have a pretty big, concrete backyard. Maybe I'll buy some dollar store glass and have fun with it.. But seriously, thank you for your view and advice! I will take it into consideration.

As someone who alternately expresses personal experiences and then thinks twice and takes it out of the public eye, I want to say "don't do it!" BUT if you feel that your experiences can help others and you are steadfastly confident that you can handle the backlash, I would say "Go for it!" By the way, that creep of a man dishonored you AND God and there are no excuses for him on earth or in Heaven for what he's done. So sad that you have had to cut your mother out of your life. :( But in the largest sense, she is the one who did that. A person violated me when I was a child, too (though not a member of my family). I was also viciously raped as an adult- and you would be astonished at how many people have had those experiences, both boys AND girls, men AND women - but for every one of us who speaks out, there are likely dozens more who do not and sometimes speaking out is the only way to heal and the more people who do speak out, the more chances there are for people's lives to be touched. You do what you feel is right and don't let another person's embarrassment over YOUR experience stop you. You are one brave woman!

Thank you soo much for your feedback. I am sorry that you went through the nonsense also. I think you have a good understanding of what might be going through my head as far as closure, the possible backlash but also to touch another life, because I know that statistically it happens to more people than we would like to admit as a society. And I find that in not being able to express or be understood, leaves one feeling lost and confused from no fault of their own. That's what I want to cure, the lost confused feeling I've been left with after it was all said and done.

Thank you fo sharing this story, SaRa.
Nobody should have to bear that heavy a cross. Your reward is bound to be forthcoming, and it can't come too soon.
Life's lessons are sometimes very unfair, and unexplained.
I have no advise, for I can't imagine being in your shoes.
I do wish you peace in whatever you decide.
Keep the faith.
Best to you.
Frederick

Thank you Frederick, for the thoughts. You know, one thing I learned from writing this intel is that, it is what it is. It feels good getting this off my chest and you said it best, "Life's lessons are sometimes very unfair, and unexplained." In coming to terms with that fact of life , I can accept it with it's lessons and all.

The other day, I felt angry and wanted to prove my honesty to my mother and other family members - Today, I'm more focused on me because I see that I have nothing to prove to any of them. I don't need to understand them anymore. The anger has lost most of its power over me and I'm feeling happier.

Keep your head to the sky, Sophia. Your are a very strong spirit. Our Father does not place more on us than we can bear. He gave us His only Son; to help us. I talk to Brother Yeshua ... often. I could write a mini-novel in responding to this ... however, not enough space. You are good and your future is strong with your son.

Thank you for reading and for your kind words. Love and hugs!

Sophia,
There are many avenues open to you at this time. Maybe group therapy could help or a talk show or one-on-one council, perhaps with someone who has gone through the same family problems. I can't advise without knowing you and even then risk making the situation worse.

If it were me, I think I could make myself stop being angry if I helped others confront their anger and helping them overcome the injustices they went through. But I wouldn't forget and I would be very careful about the influence my mother and grandmother could put on my child.

I personally think you are right in your decision to (hopefully gently for you son's sake) exclude your family from your child. Your child does not need to see and feel the tensions which must exist. He does not need to learn that this injustice is normal and acceptable behavior.

As for you, let your family go. They will one day get their just deserves. You don't have to abuse yourself anymore. You just need to find that niche where you are comfortable and where you feel loved, whether it is loved by yourself and son or whether you feel the need to include someone else in your life (you didn't mention a spouse). Find your way to let it go and keep it gone.

Hey Wynn. Thanks for reading and also for your thoughtful comment. I agree with your third paragraph wholeheartedly and the fourth also. (I do have a great partner, we act and feel as one.) I have been blessed with love and with the truth. I still feel great about my decision to stay away, which gives me the strength and wisdom to know what's right and wrong. Deep inside, I'm willing to do what it takes to prove the truth to my mother but I don't feel the need to waste my time or thoughts on her or why she is the way she is, anymore. I'd rather just stay away from that kind of mind.

Thanks again for dropping by!

Hi Sohia...I can't even imagine what you have endured.You sound very strong.Do not let anyone second guess why you did what you did, nor should you feel guilty about reporting him.As for your mother...although she is not acknowledging it outloud for fear of that monster, I feel your mother must know and does believe you. May God give you peace with your decision.I admire you for being brave ! Keep only those people who make you happy in your life.But do keep your son out of their reach and away from the possibility of their influence.

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